For a little over a month now I have attempted this blog post. I was ready, no eager , to write it not more than just two months ago. In my mind I knew just what I would say, just how I would write how excited we were. If you have known me for even a short while, then you probably know a bit of our family’s story. For over 10 years now my husband and I have battled infertility. Through the ups and downs God led us through the amazing doors of adoption. At the same time, we also closed and accepted the door that having children naturally just wasn’t possible for us. Until early this year. Yes, you read that right. In early February, much to our surprise, we learned that I was miraculously pregnant. And then we were not. In the span of just over two months hopes rested precariously from one doctor’s visit to another. We got to see something we never thought we would see. A strong heartbeat on sonogram. Just a little over 150 at 6.5 weeks, amazing! Then, silently like a thief in the night, during a routine sonogram just a couple weeks later, there was none. We had what they called, a “missed miscarriage”. The kind where your body still carries on the functions of being pregnant but the baby had passed. In raw honesty it felt so cruel. Those precarious hopes crashed like waves against rocks.
I don’t have answers to my “whys”. I don’t understand anymore than anyone else why we did not get to keep our baby. As I walked through the D&C procedure that soon followed our miscarriage diagnosis and the subsequent weeks after, I have wrestled those questions and found rest in only one place, God’s Word. While all of this was happening, in the time that I was walking around with the best kept secret and then the hardest reality of losing that best kept secret, I had to be in Psalm 119 preparing a teaching for our ladies weekly Bible study. It is there I was reminded of God’s sovereignty in the midst of very hard realities. I was reminded that God’s Word is LIFE. I was reminded that in and through God’s Word, we are KEPT. I saw how God’s Word defined, molded, and shaped all aspects of the psalmist’s life. Along with the psalmist, I found comfort, light, hope, LIFE–in a very present reality that felt anything but. I’m still wading through the muck of that reality. But there is another reality that makes the intensity of the other a little less. God’s Word brings balance and perspective in life that little else, nothing else, can. I am learning what it is to be KEPT.
There’s a lot more I have spinning in my head about the idea of being “kept” that I hope to share in the near future. Right now however, I’m still learning. Our hearts are mending as we continue trusting God. We are continuing to Hope and continuing to see and acknowledge the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living, in this our present life. I’m learning to yield, to desire Him, to NEED Him, as never before. I’m growing.
I also want to say, to all those who have lived and are living this reality, you are seen. You are loved. You are held. You are KEPT. Life is miraculous, your babies are miraculous, each and every one of them. No matter how long or how short that life is, it’s priceless. It’s valued. Our baby was a bright spot long hoped for. I still hope to meet our little one some day. This was our baby. This was amazing LIFE as something only God can give, and rightly God can also take away. He is is the author of it all. I choose to trust Him. I choose to let God keep me and grow me in and through this. Even this.
beautifully heartbreaking