I cry to you, O LORD; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” —Psalm 142:5
When I dreamed of motherhood, I did not dream of potty training. Or tantrums. Or stubborn, irrational little people that cause hair to grey early. Through the long and painful years of childlessness and infertility, I dreamed of a full kitchen table, ball games and grubby fingers at play. I dreamed of holding little hands and longed to look into dimpled faces as I rocked them to sleep at night. My vision of motherhood was painted with all the richness and warmth that seemed so distant from my barren reality. Motherhood was the goodness I felt I could never have.
Now that I am a mother, I know the reality is both beautiful and hard. There are days my children want held, and days they fight comfort. There are peaceful nights and sleepless nights all wrapped together in an un-tidy package that is life. In this current season of parenting, I am discovering a new level of weary. I am keenly aware of my weaknesses, my failures, and my inabilities. Motherhood is beautiful, but lately it’s just been humbling.
This newfound state of humility has me learning how to pray when I don’t know what to pray.
“Help Lord” is the simple prayer I pray in this overwhelmed season of being mom. Desperate prayers are powerful prayers that enable me to lean into God. At the end of long days full of disciplining and excessive piles of laundry, I collapse before God. “God is my refuge” David reminds me in Psalm 142. God is my portion as I live and breathe and yes, cry frustrated, helpless tears. In other words, God holds me together even as I feel like I’m falling apart (Psalms 16:5).
On the run and hiding in a cave, David must have felt like his life was falling apart also. David openly admits his spirit was fainting within him (Psalm 142:3). Pursued and alone, the cave was an isolating and dark reminder of the refuge he needed and physically lacked. Yet David was not ashamed to cry to the Lord, to plead to God for help, to seek mercy.
Lament helped David turn from the darkened cave to see God as his source of refuge.
My external circumstances tempt me to lose sight of the fact that God attends to my cry. God alone delivers. God provides for me abundantly, all things. When I am weak, God is surely strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). This grace and mercy God showers upon me is more than enough—it is everything I need and then some.
As God generously provides, our sorrowful cries transform into songs of gratitude.
Hardship and trials are opportunities to experience God’s deliverance as he holds us together on this side of Heaven. God is good always, and always God is good. One day, God will wipe every painful and frustrated tear from our eyes, but in the present, God is with us. Attending to us. Strengthening and upholding us. God sees the stubborn child in all our lives and provides refuge for our weary soul.
No matter how much human wisdom I read or advice I receive, it seems impossible to convince my strong-willed child to want to potty train. Tomorrow will probably be full of more messes, more tantrums, and more tears. Yet this overwhelmed mama can still keep going to God, still keep praying for help. God listens. God is enough. Even when I feel as though I am falling apart, God is keeping me together.
That’s a needed reminder today as I walk life with littles. This season too shall pass—but I might find myself celebrating my son’s college admission before he masters the art of potty training!
Photo Credits: Pexels.com, Tatiana Syrikova and Erik Melean