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God, Why Won’t You Fix This?
The author reflects on the struggle to understand suffering and grief, using Job's story to illustrate how pain can both challenge faith and deepen one's relationship with God, revealing His presence.
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When You Feel Worthless, Know You are Deeply Loved
From foster care to adoption, the author reflects on feeling unworthy to realizing God’s love is unconditional. No past or struggle can take away the grace we’re given, and our worth is always defined by His love, not our circumstances.
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When You Find Yourself Tired of Hard Seasons
In life's challenging seasons, pain is a transformative process that fosters faith. Change, while uncomfortable, is ultimately God's work, leading to growth and a deeper relationship with Him.
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Is Rest Even Possible?
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28 (ESV) Driving down the road, I inhale, taking a deep breath, then exhale. My nerves scream, feeling frayed and on fire from battling constant obstacles. Most mornings are the same: get up, get dressed, fight with the children to get dressed, wrestle said children into the car, and go. Every. Single. Morning. Why can’t everyone just do as they’re told? Life would be so much simpler without constant obstacles to hurdle. Yet days are full of obstacles, aren’t they? Obstacles that frustrate and come in forms we can’t control: strong-willed little…
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When You Can’t Take Much More
“As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God! Psalm 40:17 (ESV) Some days it’s difficult to get out of bed. As a mom, yesterday’s battles weigh heavy, and today’s demands feel overwhelming. Deep down I know I am not ready for more; I’m not OK. I feel my weakness with every step, and before I know it, another day starts running on empty. Can any of the moms out there relate? Not even coffee helps. Even though I’m aware of my need, I fail to own it. Instead, I ignore…
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Goodbyes are Hard
“Jesus wept.” — John 11:35 “Heaven knows we never need to be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.” – Great Expectations, Charles Dickens Goodbyes are not easy. In grief, I snuck away to the grocery store alone and wept all the way home. Thoughts of my fur baby weighed heavy on my heart. Our beloved cat, who had been with us for 18 years, was signaling it was time to say goodbye. On one hand I felt silly. “This is just a pet, an animal we’re talking about. It’s not like someone died.” Yet Bandit’s presence was significant.…
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Anxious Waiting is not Faith-Filled Waiting
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.”~ Psalm 130:5-6 I don’t like to wait. Something about waiting always leaves me unsettled—nervous. Waiting feels like it has a 50/50 chance of producing a positive outcome. Because the end result is unpredictable, I war-game scenarios, all of them typically worst-case. What if the test comes back cancerous? What if things don’t heal the way they are supposed to? What if I lose my spouse and I have to raise these kids on my own? What ifs that…
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When You Feel Like Giving Up on God—Lean In
Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God’? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. — Isaiah 40:27-28 Have you ever felt disregarded and abandoned by God? Hard seasons have a way of messing with our hearts don’t they? Difficult seasons that don’t pass quickly leave me with complicated questions that lack tidy answers. Some seasons have been more intense than others. Fireflies in June often remind me…
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For the One in Pain: God’s Presence is Joy
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18 Have you ever felt like pain would swallow you whole? That somehow you have been marred beyond hope, unrecognizable even to yourself? Despite gallant efforts, perhaps you have been unable to recover from the hurt someone caused you or the grief you carry. I know suffering can radically transform the landscape of our life into a pile of rubble. We ache in despair: hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Pain can be so deceptive. In my own heart-sick state, I have been tempted to believe a host of lies. Chief of lies…
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Dear Moms: Your Desperate Prayers Matter
I cry to you, O LORD; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” —Psalm 142:5 When I dreamed of motherhood, I did not dream of potty training. Or tantrums. Or stubborn, irrational little people that cause hair to grey early. Through the long and painful years of childlessness and infertility, I dreamed of a full kitchen table, ball games and grubby fingers at play. I dreamed of holding little hands and longed to look into dimpled faces as I rocked them to sleep at night. My vision of motherhood was painted with all the richness and warmth that seemed so distant from my…
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Soul Silence
“For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.” —Psalm 62:1 Can silence really be a good thing? My days are often anything but silent. I pray and within seconds my mind wanders aimlessly. Silence feels frustrating, especially when it battles against time I don’t have. Lately, days are one chaotic sprint after another. Responsibilities are endless. There are places to go, people to see, needs that need met. All that running, all that spinning, leaves me weary. My sprint becomes a stagger through fumes. In the morning I wake tired and in the evening crash—utterly spent. All that running doesn’t help productivity, quite the opposite actually. Instead, all I want…
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Loved Anyway
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” —Romans 5:8 In the most unlikely place, in the most unlikely way, love washed over me as I walked through the grocery’s parking lot, sticky toddler fingers in hand. Deep love for my little boy hit as I realized my three year old has been anything but lovable many days these past months. They have been long months. Painful months. Yet love that little boy I do—so so deeply. As we drove home, lyrics to a popular worship song sounded out of tune with reality—out of sync with God’s rich truth. “God…
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For the Season that Lasts Too Long
“For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the LORD, your Redeemer.” — Isaiah 54:4 Why do seasons I want to put behind me linger longest? Why can’t I just enjoy the sweetness of spring without the tinge of the bitter? March marches in budding trees and greening grass but also the air of something familiar—grief. Lingering grief. Time heals but time does not erase. Pain doesn’t feel momentary. Pain is life altering. The baby we lost 5 years ago to…
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When Life Has You Overwhelmed Don’t Become Underwhelmed
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? — Psalm 27:1 When was the last time God floored you? For me recently, it was during a private pity party as I helplessly wondered how long this hard season with a difficult toddler will last. My prayer was simple: Lord help me! To outsiders, I suppose it looks as though I am strong. After all, we have navigated months of medical procedures, hurdles and big reactive emotions that have assaulted our little one. Somehow our family is still standing—barely. On the inside, however,…
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What’s in Your Backpack?
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” —Matthew 11:28-30 I once packed a bag far too heavy and it was miserable to carry. Every summer as a teen our youth group took a week-long back-packing trip through the Colorado mountains. This yearly trip was one I anticipated for months on end. What I didn’t foresee was the learning curve involved. Eventually I became a seasoned hiker, but my first summer was a painful experience in discovering how NOT to pack your bag. Even though I was given a special internal frame pack designed to make hikes lighter, it still was not designed to…
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When Study of God’s Word is a Struggle
“I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.” — Job 23:12 ESV I love to study God’s Word. There is little I love more than learning about God and the steadfast relationship He extends to us. This hasn’t always been the case. God’s Word has not always been my go-to for all things “life.” People are quick resources and easier to understand. What I want from people is often a roadmap to God that helps me see and understand Him more clearly. Studying God’s Word is not fast work—it’s hard work. Not only did I not know how…
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Who Am I?
Where to Find Answers to Identity Issues We Wrestle “But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by my name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 Recently, I was challenged to consider the question, “Who am I?” On the surface, I am many things. I am a wife, daughter, a mother, and photographer. I am a homeschool mom, a learner, teacher and writer. I have been many things and done many things—often tying my identity to them all. Identity is like a hat I wear on any given season, but…
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Trusting God’s Word When Life Crumbles
A voice says, “Cry!”And I said, “What shall I cry?”All flesh is grass,and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.The grass withers, the flower fadeswhen the breath of the Lord blows on it;surely the people are grass.The grass withers, the flower fades,but the word of our God will stand forever. – Isaiah 40:6-8 Life is a mixed box of chocolates—“we never know what we’ll get” (to quote Forest Gump). Sometimes life is sweet, and sometimes it’s filled with the disappointing orange cream filling. Life is hard. Seasons of hard can feel relentless and ongoing. Through the years, hard seasons have found me choking feeble prayers up to God. I know God is good, I know God is strong, I know God never forsakes us. So I cry to…
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What Does Hospitality Have To Do With Lament?
I’ve never considered the year I walked my dad through cancer an act of hospitality. It was many things, yes—but hospitality? I don’t often link hospitality with lament. My summer reading is currently challenging my concept of Christian hospitality. Genuine hospitality isn’t always tidy. In fact—it’s often quite messy. For me, walking my dad through lung cancer six years ago was an act of obedience. It was forgiveness. Deep down I knew how much I had been forgiven as a believer and like-wise forgiveness was something God had called me to extend towards my father. This extended forgiveness was anything but natural and every ounce awkward, as you can imagine.…
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We Can Never Out-Do God
In the middle of espresso prep this morning my eldest wandered downstairs. His voice was hushed against the backdrop of my steaming wand as it worked it’s magic wonders on my coffee—a desperately needed morning routine. “Mom, do I have Jesus in my life?” The question caught me off guard. “Well, I remember the day we talked a long time about it and you wanted to pray and ask God for forgiveness. Do you remember?” He nodded, but I could tell this answer wasn’t sufficiently addressing his concern. “But mom, I still sin. Does God just leave me when I sin?” Talk about an anything but routine morning conversation. That’s…
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We Can Steward Pain Well
As I write, the air is cool and my maple in the front yard glows a fire orange. It’s Fall. I love everything about Fall—the cooling temperatures, the changing colors, the promise that the cold season is coming. It’s in the cold season, when the snow flies, that time slows and I exhale. And so my children wait with me. They wait in anticipation for the first snow of the year and another change in seasons. I’m thankful seasons change. I’m thankful hard seasons in life change. Life moves—it doesn’t stay stagnant or motionless. Sometimes though, in the unseen parts of my heart, emotions feel stuck. Hard emotions that are…
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Limits
I’ve been thinking a lot about limits lately. I don’t like to admit I have them. Limits to time, energy, patience and resources. Limits—endless limits. I feel limits close in at the end of the day when I am running on fumes. These limits press hard when my body fails and my mind falters. It is in my weakest moments that I feel limits keenly. Our world likes to persuade us that we are limitless. If we just put our mind to it we can do it. Where there is a will there is a way, right? Not always. Our attempts to live limitless try to persuade us this is…
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Family
When I think of family, I think of two things: having family and experiencing family. We are all born into family but that doesn’t guarantee we experience family. Family should be laced with security, steadfast presence, and unconditional love. Family, in that sense, has not been an easy road for me. My family road has been full of ups and downs, twists and turns. It’s been strewn with loss, heartache, rejection and uncertainty. Growing up it had been a series of foster-homes, in which some I experienced the taste of what family should be and others I did not. With that said, it’s also been full of hope, joy, and…
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A Hard Kind of Beautiful
These days we are walking in are strange aren’t they? I’ve spent the past 2 weeks wanting to write, but not really knowing what to write. Like many of you, I have been at a loss for words. We are walking through and living in times unexpected. Covid-19 has done things none of us could have predicted or imagined. We are not only living lives interrupted, but altogether halted in a sense. Everything cancelled, right? And with all the store closings, schools shutting down, hotels and restaurants shuttering doors, grocery shelves emptying, we feel a loss of control. As if control were ever really ours to begin with. In all…
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Three African Violet Pots
It’s strange the things we focus on when we are waiting for important news. In that space the news could be good or the news could be bad. It’s the not knowing that hits the pause button in that moment of waiting. In hospital or doctor’s rooms most especially. As minutes drag on we hone in on our immediate surroundings. We count lines on a wall, dates on a calendar, look for detail in the pictures on the wall. We seek to distract ourselves from thinking. We seek to calm a racing heart. Three little African violet pots were my distraction. They sat on the window sill in room number…
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Trust
Summer. I remember as a little girl spending Summers in my back yard gardening, swimming, dreaming. Sometimes I would lie face-up to the clouds and watch as they drifted and shifted shapes, all-the-while trying to imagine what life would be like all grown-up. I dreamed about the man I would marry. I wondered if I would have any kids. What kind of job would I have? Where would I be living? The imagined answer was always someplace exciting, some place exotic. I never imagined fading polaroid pictures of a lost childhood. I never imagined life interrupted. I could not have dreamed that at 12 I would greet police officers at…
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God of Comfort
I have a secrete. Last week I spent most of the days in tears when no one was looking. I guess that’s not so secrete anymore. Why do I share that? Because chances are, most days, I’m not the only one that wears happy on the outside and struggles on the inside. We all have struggles. We all have loss, pain, defeats we are doing inner battle with while we put one foot in front of the other, doing the next thing. That simple act of walking some days can be so hard. Last week was hard because it was the return of my normal, every-day cycle. No big deal.…
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No Words
For a little over a month now I have attempted this blog post. I was ready, no eager , to write it not more than just two months ago. In my mind I knew just what I would say, just how I would write how excited we were. If you have known me for even a short while, then you probably know a bit of our family’s story. For over 10 years now my husband and I have battled infertility. Through the ups and downs God led us through the amazing doors of adoption. At the same time, we also closed and accepted the door that having children naturally just…
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What is “Enough”?
This week I re-visited a book I first picked up over 15 years ago entitled, These Strange Ashes by Elizabeth Elliot. The book had tenderly ministered to me when I needed a reminder of God’s character, of His perfect sovereignty always at work. Today it is hard not to forget the girl I was then, ages ago and yet not so many ages ago. I was young, in love, and losing love. I had finished the task of sending back my engagement ring and with it what felt like my entire heart. To be sure, I was jilted beyond broken. In more ways than one I was a girl who…
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Rooted
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” ~ Jeremiah 17: 7-8 Ground stepped on can feel quite shaky. Like mountain soil slick with rocks refusing to let our feet hold firm. Overwhelming like a field so vast it confuses our feet into indecision. Unfamiliar floors weighed by foreign walls standing in hello to an 11 year old freshly…
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The New Year’s Resolution I Want Most Not To Drop
Another year has come and gone. Midnight came, the ball dropped, and 2017 went the way of yesterday. 2017 was a quiet year for my little family, a resting, healing, rebuilding, waiting kind-of-year. At the same time this past year was challenging, stretching, and a bit awkward. Why awkward? Sometimes, at least for me, the gap and silence carved by waiting can leave a wake that is both disorienting and confusing. Sitting silent on the bench is hard and yet it is also a necessary part of the journey. To this end I remind myself that 2017 was a season, much like the bitter hard realities that 2016 and my…
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Don’t Wait for Tomorrow What You Can Settle Today
It’s been a while since I last wrote, I admit. In the time between Winter ending and Spring beginning I have taken extra moments to rest. In these moments I have been able to disconnect in order to connect more fully to the people most precious to me, my family. I have seen a year pass and in this time reflect on the milestone of my father’s home-going. Just this week I received official word that the estate handling had finally found an end. This business of walking through the valley of the shadow of death has finalized, settled, come to completion. For now. And on goes life. Winter has…
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Have You Spent Some Time and Prayed Lately?
“Have you prayed lately”? This was a question a dear friend asked me quite a long time ago and it has resonated with me ever since. When the question was first posed I had gone to my friend desperate and in need of solid, real answers. I needed solutions not another glib christian response to a problem that was beyond controllable. At first I was angry because I viewed the “have you prayed lately” question as glib and dismissive. It most certainly wasn’t a how-to response or the advice I had sought, but it was the advice I most needed to hear, most needed to remember. You see, prayer is…
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I Want a Faith Like That
Day in and day out there is much to take in. There are beautiful days. Days when faith comes in an easy swagger to an effortless walk, measured with an abundance of grace. Those days are the kind of days you just want to press stop on and re-wind, over and over and over again. We know there is no rewind. There is no magical stop button for time. Time keeps moving and with the good the bad comes. It’s inevitable-the hard days. The days you want to run far away from and wish away. The days when faith feels more like an impossible test of everything you don’t feel…
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To Gain Perspective, Sometimes You Just Need to Step Back
It’s been nearly a year now. For most of March and April last year I was living in a world centered around packed suitcases, car trips, and hospital visits. One hospital visit is one too many, and there were too many. I was anxious, tired, overwhelmed, sad, a mix of emotions really. Dad was dying. April 23rd was the last day I would see my dad this side of heaven. Much of that day is a blur as he passed in the very early hours of the morning. I was whisked out of the hospital and can barely remember walking through the corridors of the hospital or driving myself back…
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Ocean Deep
Have you been there? That feeling of being completely overtaken by something too large to wrap your head around? Have you stared out into the unknown only to be met with a vastness that was just too much to take in, too much to comprehend? You know, those waters that have left you tossed and gasping for breath? Drowning in the too deep for far too long. Yes, those deep waters of hard circumstances that wage war and churn at the heart. I get it. I really do. It’s been forever and a day ago, but I will never forget a particular evening when I keenly felt the vulnerability of…
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Sifting
“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” ~ Luke 22: 31-31 The sum total of what is known, unknown and what remains of my childhood sit downstairs in stacked boxes. I’ve been putting off the going-through of them for sometime. I’ve been telling myself that I’ll wait until the business of estate handling is over, which has been a process to say the least. Now there is light at the end of that tunnel and so the “sifting” has begun. …
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The White House
Nearly three years ago I received a random e-mail, “What do you think?” In the e-mail was a picture attached of a little white house with black shutters and a beautiful large tree in the front yard. The e-mail was from dad. Usually dad’s e-mails were short and to the point. This one, while short, was so exciting, special even. You see, for years my dad had lived adrift. My parents didn’t have much and they lived from one apartment complex or facility to another. My dad even spent the sum of a year living at a Rescue Mission shortly before my mother passed. He was broke and broken. When…
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It Is Well
Outside snow is finally beginning to fall. It’s the middle of December but amazingly for most of the week it’s been warm enough to crack windows open and break out short sleeves. Not so today. Today it snows. Today I sit curled up with a hot cup of coffee, a roaring fire, a sleeping little boy and an open Bible. My Bible has not been open much these days. There are all the normal excuses. “Too busy” is my default in December. There is shopping to finish, packages to wrap, food to make, food to eat, places to go and people to see. Outside, along with the snow, there is…
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The Game Changer
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m tired. Really tired. It’s no secret that our little family has been in transition since the week before Christmas. New job, new town, new faces, a new place of residence. In the spaces between “normal” and “life” days are filled with creatively trying to entertain a 100% little boy in the foreign spaces of a third floor apartment as opposed to a rolling back-yard while many an evening is spent house-hunting. Each time we walk through a new door I pray and hope that maybe it’s the last one, maybe it will be “home”. The bottom-line is that we…
